Finding old friends on Facebook is kind of like finding them anywhere else. “Cool! What are you UP to? How have you beeeeeen?” It’s fun. For a while. You look through their photos, they look through yours, you both leave sweet/polite/enthusiastic/witty comments, you “like” their posts, and it’s all very chummy. Then the comments start to get a little snarky. Not too bad, nothing you have to delete, but with just a slice of edge to them, or their posts maybe start to veer toward the depressing, angry, insipid, or just repetitive and self-glorifying. When they’re on chat you sign out right away, just in case they try to message you, until finally you remember why it was you parted company to begin with, why you drifted apart.
It’s because she’s a judgmental asshole who thinks she knows you better than anyone else, and thinks she can live your life better than you can. She’s condescending, prone to sarcasm, on her high-horse about oh, so many things, while simultaneously being unable spell five words in a row correctly, which makes you feel smug, until you feel bad about feeling smug over something so stupid. Yes, you have lowered yourself. She’s a dick and you were better off without her in your life.
So, you un-friend her. Sure, your finger hovers over the enter button for a minute, but you do it, and you are justified in having done it. She’s a dick. You’re better off without her.
Fast-forward a few years. You’re walking down the street, any street; the one you live on, the one you work on, the one that has the food cart where they sell the best falafel, and you hear someone call your name. You look. It’s her! Your old friend! You’re both happy to see each other, you both look great, no, you’re not really doing anything, sure, you can get coffee! Numbers are exchanged and you go home feeling chipper, happy to reconnect with an old friend. She sure is sweet/interesting/funny/nice. What was it that made you drift apart? Ah, who cares?
So you look her up on Facebook. Her wall in not set to private so you see what she’s been up to and she has just updated her status.
Hooker McSlutterson: ugh, jus saw an old “friend” today. Shes as messet up as ever! Glad I have my FBers to be my besties!!!! Lol!!!
Dick.
